The mirror
by pamy
Summary: She used to look in the mirror and see so many things. But now she looks in the mirror and sees nothing. Susan centric. One shot. Pre-Last Battle.


**Just a simple one shot. From Susan's POV. I have not read any of the books, only seen the movies. I'm from Belgium so bear in mind that english is not my primary language.**

* * *

**The mirror**

_She used to look in the mirror and see so many things. She used to look in the mirror and smile. She used to see happiness, love and faith. She used to see fear and despair. She used to look in the mirror and remember. Memories that suddenly came to mind. She used to look in the mirror and see him. She used to look in the mirror and smile._

* * *

Forgetting didn't come easily. It wasn't a choice she made. It was just something that happened. Gradually. Because she didn't want to forget. But she did.

She used to remember it all the time. She used to smile when she did. But that time has long since passed. Now if she remembers, which she doesn't, it is not a smile that appears on her face. But tears that escape from her eyes.

She didn't forget by choice. It just happened. While she tried to make her way into this world. She forget the ones she left behind. She didn't choose to become like this. But she ended here anyway.

And she tried to make sense in it. She really did. But nothing about this was right. Nothing. She could not understand why she couldn't go back. Why she couldn't be with him. She couldn't understand.

She wasn't like her siblings. She was not strong. She did not have Peter's strength. She did not have Edmunds believe. The believe that everything would turn out alright. She did not have Lucy's faith. She didn't have those things.

She didn't choose to forget. She wanted to believe. But as time slowly passed by she couldn't understand. She learned to live. And to forget. Even is she didn't want to.

* * *

_She used to look in the mirror and find comfort. Comfort in the memories that came to mind. Comfort in his smile. In his eyes. She used to look in the mirror and find faith. Faith that everything would turn out alright in the end. She used to look in the mirror and smile. She used to see his face and feel love. She used to remember. She used to look in the mirror and find comfort._She remembers a time when she was all alone. A time when she didn't have any friends. She used to like being alone. But that was a long time ago.

* * *

She used to sit by herself and feel good. She never felt lonely. But she saw how Peter found loyal friends. And even Edmund had his 'partners in crime'. And Lucy. Lucy always had a dozen of friends. Everybody always loved her. And she suddenly felt a need for friends.

She used to think the parties were stupid. She used to think they were shallow. They seemed so unlike her. But her new made friends went and so did she. And she found something else entirely.

She used to stand alone. Her siblings getting all the attention. Peter as big brother. Peter as high king. Edmund the little brother. Edmund the funny one. Edmund the just. Lucy the little girl. Lucy the cute girl. Lucy the Valliant. Lucy the dear one. And she, Susan. Susan The Gentle just fell behind.

Somehow she always was unnoticed. Somehow nobody really cared. It seemed that people forget that there was a fourth Pevensie. And though the Narnians really loved her she always fell behind. And nobody really noticed.

She found herself at those parties suddenly alone. Without her siblings. But now it was she who got all the attention. And for the first time she felt good. And she loved it. So she kept going back. Until one day she found herself liking the parties. And there was no going back from that point.

* * *

_She used to look in the mirror and feel good. She used to find comfort in the memories. But the memories faded over time. And one day all she could feel was pain. One day she looked in the mirror and saw despair instead of comfort. And it hurt. She used to look in the mirror and feel good. But time made the good memories fade. And only left the ones that hurt her. _

* * *

She finds herself having fun at the parties. Making friends. And slowly, without really noticing, she starts to change. And she doesn't notice. Until it's to late. To late to turn back.

She finds herself denying Narnia ever existed. She finds herself pretending it doesn't hurt. Telling herself and others she never felt a thing. Telling the world it was a game. It wasn't easy, not at first, but over time it became easier. And when you tell yourself something long enough one day you will believe it.

But sometimes things come to mind. Sometimes she does remember. Sometimes she finds herself standing in a room and memories come to mind. She remembers things that once happened. Voices of people she once knew. But they soon fade. And she forgets she ever heard them.

Sometimes she wonders. It all seems so real. Her memories seem to real to be a game. Sometimes they seem so real. But she never lets herself wonder for long. She does not want to remember. She only wants to live.

* * *

_She used to look in the mirror and feel pain. And she just wanted it to go away. She just wanted to be happy again. So she tried everything. She tried screaming. She tried crying. Once she broke the mirror. But the pain remained the same. One day she covered everything up with make up. And found it was easier when you were a mask. She used to look in the mirror and feel pain. _

* * *

She finds herself fighting with her siblings. They used to play. They used to have fun. But the fun and games disappeared. They got replaced with fights and screams.

She used to fight a lot with her siblings. Until one day they stopped. Now they just live next to each other. There life's barely touching. And tough she doesn't agree with them. Though she doesn't believe. She does miss them.

They don't hate each other. They can't. But they can't agree either. And sometimes she just wants to pretend. Pretend she does believe. Just to hear Peter's comforting voice. Just to share a laugh with Edmund. Just to have fun with Lucy. But she cannot pretend. And so they stay how they are.

And it hurts. They don't think she feels it but she does. She loves them. But she cannot believe. And sometimes, sometimes she wonders why she is the only. Sometimes she wonders why they still believe. She wonders what she did differently. But no answer ever comes.

* * *

_She used to look in the mirror and see so many things. So many memories that came to mind. Happiness, love and faith. She used to see his face and smile. She used to remember the happy times. She used to look in the mirror and smile._

* * *

And sometimes she hears voices. Voices of people she doesn't believe exist. Sometimes she thinks she's going crazy.

Sometimes she dreams of a beautiful land. With Centaurs and dwarfs. With fauns dancing and animals talking. Sometimes she dreams of a prince in that land. And she always wakes up smiling.

But she does not remember the land.

And sometimes she hears somebody whisper her name. As if somebody is pleading her to remember. But the whisper disappears in the sound of the wind.

And she does not remember the voice.

And sometimes she hears someone call out to her. Sometimes she hears someone call out her name. Sometimes she hears someone calling her queen.

But she chooses not to listen. She chooses not to remember.

And sometimes she hears him. She cannot remember who he is, but she knows he is important. She hears him call her queen Susan. She hears him call her dear one.

And she does not know that she hears Aslan. And so she does not remember.

* * *

_She used to look in the mirror and see so many things. But things change over time. Pain became more powerful then love. Faith disappeared. And she forget. She tried to look in the mirror and feel the happiness. But it never came back._

* * *

And sometimes she wonders if this was always meant to be. Sometimes she wonders if this is the life she was always destined for.

And one day she finds herself standing at a party. Surrounded by people. And she feels all alone.

She used to sit by herself. But it isn't until that day at the party that she truly feels alone. And she wonders. What she did differently. Why she was the only one to forget.

And she wonders if maybe she is the one who is wrong. If maybe everything is real. But she believes her life is irreversible. That she has passed the point of no return. She has made her life. She has chosen her path. There is not turning back now.

And so she does not remember.

* * *

She used to look in the mirror and see so many things. She used to look in the mirror and see him. And now she looks in the mirror and sees nothing.

Nothing but an empty shell. A long forgotten memory. Nothing but the ghost of a girl who once existed.

A girl not worth remembering.


End file.
